I spy something beginning with 'P'...

Mohamed wasn't even a name, Jesus had yet to walk this earth, the mighty Colosseum of Rome was just a patch of earth, the Athenian Parthenon wasn't even an idea and the English were busy playing in wet mud when the Pharaohs were erecting monumental temples of gargantuan and unprecedented proportions. The technology used was so far ahead of its time that historians and archaeologists are still scratching their heads in aware and confusion. And so were we.

The temple above is in Abu Simbel and was built by Ramses II as a birthday present and expression of love to his wife Nefertari. Two things: first, everyone told us it was him, but my suspicions are that he had a few hundred thousand minions to do it for him. But what do I know. Second, an expression of love? When Ju heard this, I could see her melt, and so began her love affair with a man who died thousands of years ago. Whenever she heard yet another tale of how great and masterful Ramses II was, I would catch her look at me and she would deflate a little. This was probably due to the fact that a) I hadn't yet built her a temple to express my love b) I hadn't single handedly defeated a rampaging Nubian army... not yet anyway c) I was making her stay in flea ridden youth hostels d) I had made numerous attempts to sell her in exchange for a couple of camels to street ruffians and e) my face was pink and blistering with sunburn.

As those of you who have had the pleasure to accompany my wife to a museum can testify, Ju is very methodical in her approach. Even if she were in the International Museum of Accounting and Tax Returns, she would insist on thoroughly reading every panel, scrutenise every display and committing to memory even the blandest of information. This will take hours and even if she admits to not being interested in what she is reading, she'll keep reading just in case something interesting pops up. Perhaps this is why she remains my dutiful wife despite not being as wonderful as Ramses II, she is possibly waiting for me to either say something interesting or build her a temple. (Well, Cheri, it is my birthday very soon, so you might want to stop reading Private Eye and get your hammer and trowel out and start building something quick, if you don't want to get caught by time).

As for me, I would simply stare ahead and try to make sense of what was in front of me... with absolutely no success what so ever. (That's not quite true: you did painfully understand the very graphic engravings of the generals who cut the penises of their victims to help the countings at the end of a battle.)

Those of you with ultra sharp vision may detect a Ju at the bottom of this magnificent temple. We found it absolutely incredible that these structures were built, completely forgotten, re-discovered, totally dismantled (due to the Nile Dam project), moved a hundred metres up some hills and re-built to the exact same specifications. To this day, Egyptians remain utter nutters.

Our favourite of the Egyptian gods was Horus. Horus, the all seeing hawk. For some reason, he reminded me of my old school head teacher. Horus had that way of making me feel gut renchingly guilty for absolutely no identifiable reason. When passing his suspicious gaze, I would want to confess everything, only I had nothing to confess. (Even the lack of temple building for your wife?)

Another one of those Ju's looking completely content. If you look closely, you can visibly see her head being larger than previous posts due to her brain size increasing by approximately 37 percent. (May I also point out the fact that this photo took a lot of effort. Please note the total absence of tourists on the picture. Extremely rare phenomenon, a temple without tourists. It's a 6 o'clock in the morning job. No rest for the wicked.)

Egypt was a country of intrigue and its history is not simply vivid and gobsmacking but totally humbling. The food, as you now know, was far from gobsmacking and that's why we then went to New York...